What Is Emotional Monitoring, Empathy’s Evil Twin?

You might say you’ve got a sixth sense. You can literally feel the vibe in a room—for better or for worse. If something’s up with a loved one, you’ll notice it, even if they’re putting on a brave face. And when someone is keeping a secret, or is annoyed at you, or is having a bad day, you know it before they even explain. 

You might call this skill of yours emotional intelligence—empathy, even. You’re naturally aware of other people’s emotional states, and are good at spotting behavioral patterns. 

But here’s the thing…what you’re doing might not be empathy at all. It could be its evil twin: emotional monitoring. 

Here’s what it is, and why it’s dangerous. 

Emotional Monitoring vs Empathy 

According to Dr. Naomi Torres-Mackie Ed.M., emotional monitoring is “the tendency to continually monitor the emotional states of others.”

At first, this might sound pretty similar to empathy—after all, both involve being in tune with others’ emotions. But according to Torres-Mackie, the key difference lies in context, or lack thereof.

“Empathy requires a clear external stimulus; it is a reaction to someone else’s situation,” she explains. For example, if a friend opens up about a tough time, empathy allows you to feel for them and offer support in the moment.

Emotional monitoring, however, takes things up a few notches. It doesn’t rely on a specific trigger, but is “a constant, often subconscious, scanning or monitoring of others’ emotional states in order to anticipate any negative feelings they might experience,” Torres-Mackie says. For example, you might be constantly checking in on your partner’s mood, even when they are not showing any signs of distress.

If you think you might be emotional monitoring at least some of the time, you probably are. According to Hannah Paskin, Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and owner of Hannah Paskin Therapy, “We all emotionally monitor to some extent, observe those around us to adjust our responses accordingly. It can be incredibly helpful. But like with any helpful tool, there's a flip side when it can become excessive and a negative impact develops.”

Emotional Monitoring: The Risks

The trouble with emotional monitoring, explains Torres-Mackie, is that it’s a people-pleasing activity. You’re analyzing someone’s emotions not to empathize with them, but to avoid upsetting them. “With emotion monitoring, the goal is to know what they might be feeling so as to avoid making them uncomfortable,” she says. 

When emotional monitoring happens excessively, it’s like walking on eggshells. You become so conscious of pleasing others by anticipating their every mood that you neglect your own emotional needs. As a result, you might find it difficult to state—or even know—what you really want or feel. 

“When someone's state is that of hyper-awareness of how the other is feeling, much of that own person’s inner experience is lost,” says Torres-Mackie. “In working with patients who engage in emotion monitoring, I have seen how this can wreak havoc on one’s sense of self, self-esteem, and general mood.”

So, how do you know if your emotional monitoring habit is excessive and unhealthy? Paskin says there are some tell-tale signs. 

“There might be more messaging or questioning of those around you and how they feel to get reassurance: Are you okay? Have I upset you? Has something happened?,” she explains. “Another example might be watching someone more attentively, looking for any signs in their facial expression or behavior of how they might feel.”

Unfortunately, this level of vigilance can wind up as paranoia—worrying that others are upset even when there’s nothing actually wrong. 

“Excessive emotional monitoring of others can end up effectively with 1+1=5,” Paskin says. “If you look hard enough for something you will find it. Not because it's there, but because you can find evidence to support most theories if you try hard enough. In essence, we can end up assuming an emotion for someone else that doesn't actually exist.”

So, What’s the Cause? 

If you’re a self-diagnosed emotional monitor, you might be wondering: why am I like this? 

According to our experts, the most common reason is a belief that others' needs trump your own. You’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that you need people’s validation to be worthy. 

“Emotional monitoring can be driven by fear or guilt,” Paskin says. “The fear that something is wrong, or the guilt or sense of responsibility for others feelings.” 

Torres-Mackie adds that you might have grown up in a household where your caretakers didn’t respond to your emotional needs—or those needs felt like a burden. 

“Take, for example, a woman who grew up with a rageful father. As a child, she became highly attuned to his moods. She learned to minimize her own feelings so as not to rock the boat,” she says. “This means that today as an adult, she has trouble making sense of her own needs. Her focus is glued to how the other person is feeling and reacting to her.”

There could also be a personality element in this. For example, we might assume that people with certain personality types (e.g. Enneagram Type 2, INFJ, ESFJ or ENFJ) are more prone to emotional monitoring because they are naturally empathetic and reactive to the needs and feelings of others. However, this is just speculation and it's important not to label or stereotype individuals based on personality types.

How to Kick the Habit 

Identifying a pattern of emotional monitoring is the first step to becoming happier and more confident. You have to notice the habit before you can work to break it—but it can be tricky. “Often those who emotion-monitor are not aware of this habit,” says Torres-Mackie. “It feels normal for their energy to be directed outward rather than inward.” 

Now you know what emotional monitoring is, pay attention to the times when you may be doing it. Ask yourself: am I doing this subconsciously? Is there a specific trigger that is causing me to do this?

Once you’ve identified your pattern, dig deeper into the underlying emotions that are driving your need to emotionally monitor. “To tackle any excessive behavior like this, we want to look at why we do it, what we are trying to achieve, and what the reality is of how it pans out,” says Paskin. “If you are excessively monitoring others’ emotions, you'll be doing this to try to make yourself feel less anxious, yet the likelihood is that the exact opposite is happening.” 

This can be the hardest thing to get your head around—on some level, your brain believes that emotionally monitoring keeps you safe. But, actually, it does way more harm than good, since it prevents you from being your authentic self. 

To that end, Paskin advises learning “how to tolerate the uncertainty of what someone else is feeling, as well as challenging our sense of responsibility towards how others feel or responsibility to fix how others feel.” That might look like giving yourself permission to have, and share, your own feelings, or stepping back and allowing others to manage theirs.

Wrapping Up

While breaking up with your emotional monitoring habit will take time and practice, the rewards are worth the effort. “By easing up on emotion monitoring, social interactions can become more spontaneous, more authentic and increase one’s motivation to be socially engaged. All of these combined can work to increase self-esteem,” Torres-Mackie says.