What Not to Say to Each Enneagram Type in a Relationship Argument
There are definitely things you should never say to your partner in a relationship argument, no matter what their personality type is. But it’s also true that certain things can hit especially hard for certain types because of their unique sensitivities, values and needs.
Of course, context matters too—what you say and how you say it can totally depend on what the argument is actually about. So, let’s talk about what NOT to say to each Enneagram type in a relationship argument, with particular focus on the type of tricky situations that are likely to arise with them, and what to say instead.
Type 1 - Anything That Dismisses Their Need for Resolution
Ones are driven by the desire to progress and make things better. So, saying anything that goes against these values isn’t a smart move. For example, saying something like “Let’s just move on from this” or “Let’s put it behind us” can be really frustrating for them. They’re probably trying to resolve the issue for good so that it doesn’t resurface in the future and prevent you from focusing on growing as a couple. Telling them to “chill” or “just move on” can make them feel like you’re sweeping things under the rug—which might make them question the relationship.
What to say instead: “I want to resolve this too, but I’m not in the right headspace to deal with it properly right now. Do you mind if we talk about it over the weekend, perhaps when we go out for brunch on Saturday?”
Type 2 - Anything That Makes Them Feel Undervalued
Twos are all about giving love and care, so avoid saying anything that can make them feel like their support is unappreciated or unwanted. Comments like “Leave me alone,” or “That’s not your business” or “I don’t need your help” might not seem like a big deal to you, but for a Two, they can really hit hard. They genuinely want to support you. While you don’t mean to hurt them, comments like this might push them to withdraw and even begin questioning their role in your life.
What to say instead: “I appreciate how much you care and want to help, but I just want to handle this on my own. Please, don’t take it personally—I just need a little space to think things through.”
Type 3 - Making Them Feel Trapped in the Relationship
Threes are all about achievement, competence and image. They put a lot of energy into lifting themselves up, so in a relationship argument, guilt-tripping them by saying things like “You care more about your work than me” or “I’m the only one putting effort into this relationship” is a bad move. Since their success is a big part of their identity, statements like these can make them feel like they have to choose between their personal goals and the relationship. This creates an internal dilemma that they’ll want to resolve—and it might not work out in your favor!
What to say instead: “I understand that work is important to you, but I’ve just been feeling kind of disconnected from you lately” or “I feel like we need more quality time together.”
Type 4 - Anything That Invalidates Their Feelings
Fours feel things very intensely, so something that might not seem that big of a deal to you may have a huge emotional impact on them. That’s why it’s best to avoid saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “You’re being too sensitive” because it can make them feel like you’re invalidating their emotional experience and even make them question themselves (as in, “Am I hysterical?”) because they’re reacting so strongly to “minor” things.
What to say instead: “To be honest, it’s not a big deal to me, but I can see that it matters a lot to you, so I’ll keep it in mind in the future.”
Type 5 - Dismissing Their Need to Mull Things Over
Fives need time to process and understand things deeply, so saying anything that dismisses this need is a sure way to invalidate them. For example, saying “Stop overthinking everything” or “You’re reading too much into it” can feel dismissive to a Five because “overthinking” is how they make sense of the situation. Without fully understanding what happened, they can’t truly move on. They also don’t do well with being rushed into things. So, if an argument involves making a choice, don’t push them for an immediate answer.
What to say instead: “Take your time. I’m here when you’re ready.”
Type 6 - Feeding Them With Empty Promises
Sixes value security, so feeling like their partner has their back is everything to them. But for them, trust isn’t just given—it has to be earned through actions. That’s why saying something like “Just trust me on this” or “Don’t you trust me?” can really rub them the wrong way. They don’t take words at face value—they need to see proof. So, if you don’t back up what you’re saying with actions, it won’t reassure them. Actually, it will do the opposite: annoy them and make them more distrustful.
What to say instead: “I don’t want to give you empty promises. But I assure you that I will try my best.”
Type 7 - Comments That Guilt-trip Them Into Facing Issues
Sevens try to avoid discomfort and negative emotions, and often use distraction as a coping mechanism. It’s already hard for them to face problems head-on or have difficult conversations, and forcing them to do that through blaming and guilt-tripping (e.g. “You always put your head in the sand” or “I’m always the one to solve problems while you’re out there having fun”) will likely make it even harder. As a result, they might avoid the issue even more.
What to say instead: "I know you don't like dealing with heavy stuff, but we need to handle this before it gets worse. I'm here and I really want to work through this together."
Type 8 - Remarks That Push Them Into Too Much Vulnerability
Eights want to be seen strong and avoid showing vulnerability at all costs. So, be careful not to say things that push them to give in and show a crack in their “vulnerability armor.” For example, saying something like “You’re being so cold” or “Don’t you care about how I feel?” can put them in an uncomfortable position where they feel like they have to choose between maintaining their strong exterior and showing that they care.
What to say instead: “I know you don’t like to get emotional, but I really need to feel like you’re with me on this and I’m not the only one who cares.”
Type 9 - Implying Their Nonchalance Is a Sign of Not Caring
Nines are all about keeping peace, so they may downplay their reactions and wait for the “storm to pass” before talking things out. That’s why saying things like “You don’t care about this relationship” or “You’re acting like you don’t care” in the heat of an argument can really put them in a tough spot. They do care, but calling them out like that forces them to choose between keeping things no-drama and defending themselves. Because, of course they’ll want to prove they care, but if doing so means reacting emotionally, they could shut down even more.
What to say instead: “I know you’re trying to avoid drama, but I really need to know where you stand so we can move forward together. Please, tell me when you’re ready to talk about this properly.”
