Are You Confessing to Relationship Crimes You Didn’t Commit?

We all know the dating "green flags" that everyone should strive to bring to their relationships—qualities like self-awareness, emotional intelligence and owning up to your mistakes are just a few.

But did you know that you can actually be too accountable in relationships? 

While being able to acknowledge when you’ve messed up and learn from that experience is a commendable trait, there are times when this virtue can morph into a vice.

AKA: a guilt complex, where you fall into the habit of shouldering unnecessary blame and being the scapegoat in any relationship problem.

While this may seem noble at first, it can actually have damaging effects on your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Let’s Take a Trip Down Memory Lane… 

If you feel like every argument, conflict or upset falls on your shoulders, you may want to take a look at your family dynamics growing up.  

As Kristina Virro, CEO and founder of Fresh Insight, a mental health and wellness clinic in Markham, Ontario, explains, “When someone feels guilty but, objectively speaking, there is no reason for them to feel that way, it often links back to earlier wounds from childhood. These experiences have a significant impact on how we view ourselves, the world and others.”

So, what kind of childhood experiences are we talking about exactly?

The main one is parentification. 

People who feel overly responsible as adults likely “grew up with a parent who was reliant on them, turning to them as their confidante for their issues," Virro explains. "Or, they may have grown up with a sibling who had higher needs, causing them to feel like they had to compensate by being the 'rock' or easy child.”

While your parents probably didn’t mean to burden you, these formative experiences often carry themselves into adulthood. Virro says that a child who is keenly aware of, and feels responsible for, others' feelings, will often go on to develop tendencies like people-pleasing and repressing their emotions in order to keep the peace.

And, of course, they’ll take the blame for things that aren’t their fault.

As Virro says, “If a child feels that they're unsuccessful in improving their parents' mood, they unfortunately don't have the capacity to think like an adult would and realize that it's not personal. With a barely-developed prefrontal cortex, the child may draw a simplistic conclusion of, "It's my fault.” The tendency to jump to this conclusion, often unconsciously, can be carried into adulthood.”

Is Your Partner Making You Feel Guiltier?

In an ideal world, someone who is prone to unwarranted relationship guilt will learn how to develop healthier boundaries. 

In reality, this doesn’t always happen. In fact, there's a risk that starting a relationship with the wrong kind of partner can make a person’s self-blaming tendencies worse.

Toxic partners like narcissists, gaslighters and emotionally manipulative individuals can perpetuate a cycle of guilt and blame. In relationships, these types of partners might constantly criticize and belittle their significant other, making them feel like they can never do anything right. They might play the victim or display passive-aggressive behaviors to throw their partner off balance and keep them feeling guilty, even when they haven’t done anything wrong.

While individuals with low self-esteem are easy prey for toxic individuals, almost anyone can fall into their trap. Even if you had a balanced upbringing, a relationship with a manipulative person can cause you to doubt your own sense of reality, leading you to feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault. 

“When someone begins to question their own reality or personhood, it causes them to be less resistant to the abuse, less likely to leave the relationship, and more likely to see themselves as the problem,” Virro says. “This is precisely the outcome a perpetrator wants to see, so that the power imbalance can be maintained.”

Breaking Free From Fake Guilt

Knowing whether your self-blaming tendencies are a ‘them’ or ‘you’ problem can be challenging, but there are ways to figure it out. 

Examine your history

First off, Virro says that you’ll want to think about your history. Growing up, did you feel a sense of responsibility for your parents’ emotions? Were you the “mature” or “easy going” child in the family? Did you take on a caregiving role for your siblings or parents? Have feelings of guilt been constant throughout your relationships?

If the answer to any of these questions is 'yes,' then you may need to accept the possibility that you're taking on the lion's share of responsibility in your relationships and it's time to set some boundaries.

“There's something really powerful about making unconscious beliefs conscious and truly examining them in the light of day,” Virro says.

Challenge your distortions

People who feel excessive and unwarranted guilt are suffering from "cognitive distortions," Virro says. Cognitive distortions are “biased, illogical ways of thinking that can contribute to negative emotions and maladaptive behavior.”

For example, your first response to a situation might be “this is my fault” or “I need to fix this," whereas if you take time to analyze the situation logically, you may realize that there were other factors at play.

To combat this, Virro recommends that you keep reminding yourself, "Just because I feel guilty doesn't mean I am guilty."

"Although you might not believe these words at first, it's important to practice correcting this cognitive distortion consistently and repeatedly so that you create new neural networks in your brain.”

A therapist can help you access practical tools to work through your guilt and break old patterns of behavior. "For example, you can use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to identify cognitive distortions and correct them in the moment," Virro says.

Become accountable to yourself

It’s also wise for you to get a clearer idea of who you really are and what you really want in your relationships.

Being manipulated by someone, or feeling like you always need to put your own emotions last, can really chip away at your sense of self. You may be so used to caring about other people that you don’t know what really matters to you. 

Personality tests like the 16 Types and Enneagram can help you reconnect with yourself and start to make decisions from a place of heightened self-awareness and authenticity. 

And remember, if you think you’re being manipulated by someone—or this excessive guilt syncs with a certain relationship—really take the time to evaluate whether that person has a place in your life.

 After all, if there’s one thing you should never feel guilty for, it’s doing what’s best for you.