Hotness is Out, ‘Shrekking’ Is in – Meet the Dating Trend Putting Personality to the Test

Move over situationships, breadcrumbing and kittenfishing. A new dating trend is stealing the spotlight — shrekking. And yes, the name is as questionable as the logic behind it. The goal is to choose a partner who’s “below your standards,” so you’re more likely to get loyalty and better treatment. It’s basically dating down with a rebrand.

But does choosing a less conventionally attractive partner actually deliver on those promises? Will the “ogre” really be kinder or more grateful, or is that just a nice-sounding excuse for a toxic power dynamic? Let’s explore what the science says and whether lowering your physical attractiveness standards is really the smarter dating strategy.

What is Shrekking?

Shrekking refers to dating someone less attractive than you, under the assumption that they will be more committed, more grateful, and therefore less likely to cheat or leave. The logic here is that people who feel they “can’t do better” will invest more and treat you with more respect.

But this raises a big question: what kind of attractiveness are we talking about here? Is it totally subjective in the sense of how your perfect 10 can be a hard swipe-left to someone else? Or are we talking about the more “objective” stuff, like clear skin and a toned body and other conventional beauty standards?

Online definitions of shrekking seem to land on the same general idea: it’s about dating someone who falls below your personal standards, which makes it sound entirely subjective. However, even our “subjective” preferences tend to align with some widely shared perceptions of what counts as “hot.” For instance, decades of research in evolutionary psychology show that more symmetrical faces are universally rated as more attractive.

With that in mind, a “Shrek” partner is then someone who doesn’t quite hit your type — which, at least in part, is informed by the typical beauty standards most people agree on.

Will a “Shrek” Partner Really Treat You Better?

There’s actually a tiny bit of science that gives the logic behind shrekking some legs. One study of 123 couples found that when people thought their partner was the more attractive one, they tended to be more loving, accommodating and eager to please. The ones who saw themselves as the hotter half? Not so much.

Another study found that people considered to have higher “mate value” (aka, the better catch) usually get more support, attention and affectionate effort from their partners. So yes, dating a “Shrek” might encourage them to invest more — but it’s hardly a guaranteed path to happily-ever-after. Big gaps in attractiveness between romantic partners can quickly tilt the power dynamic and destabilize the relationship. 

That happens for a few reasons. The more conventionally attractive partner often knows they have options, which can chip away at their commitment to the relationship and fuel insecurity in the Shrek partner. Cue jealousy and second-guessing your other half’s every move. One aptly titled study,“Unequal Partners, Uneasy Hearts,” found that major attractiveness gaps tend to inflate jealousy levels. And other research shows that people who see themselves as more attractive report having more romantic alternatives — and they’re more likely to flirt with them, bail on their current relationship faster, or end up divorced.

Taken together, these findings suggest that a little attraction imbalance might keep things spicy. But extreme “Shrekking” comes with emotional fine print. The same dynamic that makes one partner more invested can also make the other less so, and that’s rarely a recipe for a happy ending.

Does Personality Beat Pretty In Relationships? 

What about those couples with an obvious gap in the looks department who are actually happy together and not caught up in jealousy or power plays? Those real-life “Shrek and Fionas” who get hit with those snarky comments like, “What did he see in her?” or “She’s out of his league.”

Those couples are living proof that while looks can catch attention, being better-looking — or even just conventionally attractive — isn’t what keeps couples satisfied long-term. Research consistently shows that the happiest couples are the ones who share values and have compatible personalities.

But here’s where things get complicated: what does “compatible” even mean? Should you date someone just like you, or does the whole “opposites attract” thing actually hold up? Turns out, the answer depends on which personality traits we’re talking about — and sometimes, on who you ask.

What women want, want men want

For women, studies suggest that similarity in certain values and traits pays off. When partners share self‑transcendence (basically, they care about the welfare of others) and the Big Five trait of Conscientiousness, women tend to find those relationships more stable and satisfying. Another study found that women report higher marital happiness when their partners match them in Agreeableness — think kind, cooperative energy — though this finding doesn’t always hold true for men.

For men, there’s a different pattern. The Big Five trait of Openness to Experience is more relevant to their relationship happiness. The more they share that curiosity, creativity and adventurous streak with their partner, the happier they tend to be.

Culture plays a role

Interestingly, those gender differences line up with cultural stereotypes. Women often prioritize reliability (a sub-trait of Conscientiousness) and harmony (a sub-trait of Agreeableness) in their partners, while men lean toward novelty and shared adventure (which explains why Openness to Experience matters to them).

As for the other Big Five traits of Extraversion and Neuroticism, matching your partner on those doesn’t seem to matter as much. Instead, what seems to matter more is each partner’s own level of these traits. Studies consistently show that being more outgoing and less emotionally reactive tends to make anyone happier in love — regardless of whether your partner is your twin flame or total opposite in these personality dimensions. 

Science Says: You Don’t Need to Shrek Your Way to Love

In the end, Shrekking might be a viral trend or a cheeky dating experiment, but it’s hardly the magic strategy it claims to be. There’s no guarantee you’ll get better treatment — in fact, you could end up “getting shrekked” yourself and dumped by the supposedly less attractive partner thanks to the complicated dynamics that big looks gaps can bring.

If you’re hoping for something real and lasting, your best bet is to focus on personality over appearances. That might mean giving potential “Shrek partners” a chance. But not because you’re aiming low, but because you’re genuinely compatible and open to falling for someone who fits.

At the end of the day, it’s not about settling with a Shrek out of insecurity. It’s more about finding your own “Fiona” — someone who makes life feel like a fairy tale, full of laughter, loyalty, and love that lasts long after the face card folds.