How to Handle Being Apart When You’re Anxiously Attached

‘Tis (almost) the season to be jolly…unless of course, you have an anxious attachment style and you’re spending the holidays away from your partner. Yep, nothing says “turkey time” like the annual tug-of-war over how to squeeze both families into your Thanksgiving or Christmas plans. 

You’ve brainstormed ways to make it work—maybe cramming both families into your too-small home or planning a jam-packed road trip—but, ultimately, you’ve decided to spend the long weekend apart.

Logically, it makes sense. Your parents will be thrilled. You know it's the "right" decision. But the worry has started to creep in, and you realize that being away from your significant other is going to put a dampener on what should be the happiest time of year. 

Thankfully, there’s a way to cope. And no, we don’t mean ditching your family for theirs. Instead, it’s time to work on boosting your emotional security, so you can enjoy the holidays without that pit of worry in your stomach.

Here’s how, with the help of a psychologist. 

Unwrapping the Anxious Attachment Style 

If you thought that anxiety was a normal part of being away from your partner, let us introduce you to the concept of attachment theory. Developed by psychologist John Bowlby back in the 1900s, attachment theory is the science behind how our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we connect with others as adults.

There are four primary attachment styles: secure attachment (the healthiest), avoidant attachment (your typical lone wolf), anxious-avoidant attachment (a rare combination of craving closeness and fearing it) and anxious attachment. That’s the one we’re focusing on.

As Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, the owner of Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy, explains, the anxious attachment style “shows up as constant overthinking and worrying about whether our partner really wants us or will leave us. They’ll often overthink or constantly seek validation because, deep down, they worry about being abandoned or not being "enough.””

That’s why something as simple as spending Thanksgiving apart can feel like an emotional minefield for people with this attachment style. When you’re not physically close to your partner, you lose the ability to get that quick-fix validation. Without it, your brain can easily go into overdrive, spiraling into self-doubt and anxious “what-ifs”.

If this sounds like you, you’re probably wondering: why am I like this? According to Groskopf, the anxious attachment style has its roots in our early relationships.

“We’re literally wired from birth to seek safety in our caregivers because, evolutionarily, staying close meant survival,” she explains. “When caregivers are unpredictable—like sometimes present and loving, other times distant or unavailable—the brain develops an internal alarm system, constantly monitoring for any signs of disconnection.”

And while your primary caregiver obviously isn’t the same as your partner, part of your brain might not know the difference. 

“Over time, caregiver inconsistency causes the brain to be on high alert in relationships, fearing abandonment and craving constant reassurance,” Groskopf says. “The tricky part is, this pattern sticks with us even as adults—and we start to experience those same fears in romantic relationships.”

Long Distance, High Anxiety 

Given these formative experiences, it’s no wonder spending time apart over the holidays can be so emotionally turbulent for people with the anxious attachment style.

“Even though you cognitively know that time apart doesn’t necessarily mean a threat, it can certainly feel like it in your body,” Groskopf shares. “The anxious brain kicks into overdrive, interpreting the distance as a possible sign that the connection is weakening. You may worry you’ll be forgotten about, left behind, or fear your partner doesn’t miss you as much as you do.”  

All that rumination can easily make what should be precious time with friends and families feel almost unbearable. You might find yourself obsessively counting down the days until you’re back with your partner—and miss out on all the fun around you. 

But your anxiety isn’t just bad news for you. It can also put stress on your relationship. As Groskopf notes, when you feel anxious while apart, you may feel compelled to message or call your partner excessively for reassurance. Ironically, though, that could push them away when you need comfort most. 

“I see it as a paradox,” she says. “We want closeness so badly that we may cling, demand reassurance or over-analyze every little thing—but it makes the other person feel suffocated. This can create a cycle where they pull back, which only reinforces the anxious person’s fears.”

Getting a Handle on Holiday Anxiety

We get it—hearing that seeking reassurance from your partner could actually put a strain on your relationship isn’t what you want to hear. But we’re by no means saying you should keep your anxieties to yourself, either. 

According to Groskopf, communication is vital to becoming more secure—but it’s how you communicate that makes all the difference. 

“The best way to heal our attachment wounds is through our relationships,” she says. “But instead of coming from a place of panic or blame, it’s more about explaining your experience.”

So, instead of seeking reassurance, try being vulnerable and self-aware when you discuss your feelings. 

“You could say something like, "I’ve noticed that when we’re apart, I get really anxious. I know it’s not about you—it’s an old pattern I’m working on,”” Groskopf suggests. “This way, you’re owning your experience while also inviting collaboration.”

While starting this conversation is a great first step, remember to be patient with yourself. Overcoming anxious thoughts isn’t an overnight journey. After all, you’re rewiring old neural pathways—and that takes time and self-compassion.

With that in mind, when anxiety strikes, Groskopf recommends having an action plan in place: a combination of mindfulness and self-soothing activities that you can use to calm your nervous system.

“Just knowing that your brain is wired to seek constant connection can help you step back when the anxiety kicks in,” she says. “Remind yourself that these thoughts aren’t necessarily reflecting reality—they’re just your attachment system firing off alarms from the past.”

Next up, try to turn your attention to something else. “Things like grounding techniques, breathing exercises, or even journaling about your feelings can help you regulate that anxiety without needing constant reassurance from your partner,” she says. 

Even though it’s challenging to change engrained thought patterns, the effort and persistence is well worth the reward. By developing a more secure attachment style, you'll notice less anxiety, more confidence and, ultimately, a healthier and more fulfilling relationship—not just with your partner, but also with yourself.