I Had My Parents Take a Personality Test. They're Both ESFJs, and It Explains Everything

Exactly one day after I emailed my parents the TypeFinder® test, my mom sent me her result. “Do you think this sounds like me?” she asked, before signing off, “I hate online quizzes, by the way.” Passive-aggressive much? Love you too, mom. 

Uncharacteristically, my dad ignored the email altogether. When I followed up with him a week later, he responded that he didn’t like quizzes either and probably wouldn’t know the right answers anyhow. “Maybe we can take it together when you’re home, sweetie,” he said. I was due to visit in a few weeks, and I had a feeling he'd follow through. I learned early on that both my parents cave if I nag them enough.

Watching my dad fill out the personality questionnaire was a sweet experience—and also a test of patience. I’m an INFP. I use my intuition to feel out responses, and his were obvious to me before I'd even finished reading the question. He, on the other hand, carefully read each question and selection of answers out loud, deliberating and second-guessing his choices while frequently looking to my mom or me for reassurance.

When we finally finished, my dad read his result. “I’m an E-S-F-J,” he enunciated. Mom looked up from the other side of the kitchen, suddenly taking interest in dad’s screen. “But that’s my type,” she said, “Are you sure?”

Born the Same Day, Typed the Same Way 

My parents were both born on December 11th, and I was six when I realized that not all parents have the same birthday. To me, this felt no different from them sharing an address, phone number or last name. 

I was in my twenties when I realized that not all moms and dads act as a single parental unit. What do you mean your parents don’t answer phone calls together, they keep secrets from each other, and they actually leave each other’s side? My parents didn't do those things. Growing up, there was never disagreement between them over right or wrong, allowed or not allowed. If I asked Mom for an answer, Dad would support her. If I asked Dad for something, he’d tell me to ask Mom. They backed each other, without question. I always saw them as good parents; as two interconnected beings whose main purpose was creating and sustaining a happy, healthy family. It never crossed my mind that caretaking might just be baked into who they are, or that not everyone's cut out for parenthood the way they are. 

In fact, it only recently occurred to me that there's probably a reason why my parents think, act and care as one, and a personality test might explain it. Learning that Mom and Dad are both ESFJs clarified so much about our family, my childhood and how we relate to each other now.

Three Things I Learned From Typing My Parents 

1. ESFJs are great caregivers, and Mom and Dad show it in their own ways. 

Despite my parents’ solid cohesion, like my mom I was surprised to find that they share a personality type. They don't always look alike, at least not on the surface.

My mom is the obvious ESFJ. She takes care of people in a proactive, outward-focused way, to the point where she seeks out people to look after when nobody’s around. She’s a sounding board to me, both of my sisters, her four siblings and a handful of lifelong friends. She volunteers with hospice, keeping people company at the end of their lives, and a few years ago, she donated one of her kidneys to a distant relative of my dad who she had never met. She runs errands for an old neighbor, taking him to doctor appointments and helping him with household chores (then returns home exhausted, noting that she doesn’t have time to sit and read).

Dad’s caring too, but in a quiet, subtle way. He worked his whole life to support us. During my visit, I learned that he sits on the phone for several hours a day listening to my 96-year-old Grandma’s nonstop thoughts, keeping her company from afar. When there’s nothing to do, he invents tasks for himself, pouring his attention into a never-ending list of practicalities like organizing files and making step-by-step “just in case” lists that might make our lives easier. 

The more I learn about ESFJs, the more I see how Mom and Dad are running on the same writing, an instinct called Extraverted Feeling, or Fe. Fe is the reason why both my parents are family-centered, great at bringing people together, supportive of others, and driven to be part of something larger than themselves, even if it is “louder” in Mom than Dad.

2. Two ESFJs can build just as strong a marriage as any “opposites attract” pair. 

A solid ESFJ-ESFJ partnership challenges the notion that the best relationships are those between opposite personality types. Sure, there are many cases where opposites attract and balance each other out. My parents have been just as solid for almost four decades, and they've done it by being alike.

My parents are both organized and practical beings who stick to routine, and because of this, my childhood was happy, easy and safe. ESFJs are known to have happy marriages—they report being more satisfied in their marriages and intimate relationships than any other type.  My parents are no exception. They naturally understand each other's motivations and preferences, without needing to explain themselves, so they work well together. They support one another without hesitation and believe in love and kindness as the reason for life.

I’m not saying things are always perfect between them. I can see how they avoid conflict and let unspoken irritations build up. Case in point: Mom and Dad have never resolved whether she'll be buried or cremated if she dies first, and Mom's stopped pushing her preference just to keep the peace between them. They also exhaust themselves for others, including me, and don't leave much over for their own needs.

Still, at the end of each day, they're best friends who want the same things out of life. Forty years in, being alike never held them back.

3. Once I understood their type, our clashes started making sense. 

As an INFP, I’ve always viewed the world through a radically different lens from my ESFJ parents and we’ve had our share of personality clashes over the years. The big one is around emotional intimacy. 

I get frustrated that I don't really know my parents beyond them being “my parents.” Their conversations stay surface-level, and any sensitive subject gets shut down fast. Getting them to take the personality test in the first place was its own battle, because introspection and "big picture" thinking just isn't their language. And because they operate as a pair, there's rarely room to know either of them as an individual. Growing up, it wasn't Mom or Dad, it was Mom-and-Dad, a team of two I could never quite get one-on-one with. As an adult, I find their closeness moving, and I've stopped trying to wedge myself into it. 

Then there’s our world views. Whenever I share a plan or idea, my parents kill it with practicalities. I decide to live in Latin America, they fixate on crime rates. I take a job teaching yoga, they ask about my healthcare. It used to sting, and I used to accuse them of worrying at me. Now I get it. They’re just caring in a way that makes sense to them, trying to keep me safe even when it's out of their hands. 

The other thing we clash about is the long list of “shoulds” my parents live by. Mom and Dad take their cues from the outside world, and whatever’s socially acceptable. Their resistance to change and “difference” has always triggered me, and I've spent years chasing “better” ways to live, just to push back against it. Admittedly, a lot of our friction comes from me trying to force my values onto two people who never asked for them. But I've learned we get along best when I get room to keep changing and they get room to stay exactly the same. 

The Takeaway

My mom and dad share a birthday and a personality type, and it turns out that explains a lot about how they raised me. I used to take their closeness for granted. Now I know how lucky I am to have two ESFJ Providers as parents, steady and devoted, even when our differences run deep. I'm grateful for the unconditional love they've shown me, and I feel it every time I notice their values in my own.